"Tell Your Heart to Beat Again"
Several days ago my husband and I were working on remodeling our 1980’s Holiday Rambler. My husband diligently worked, cutting paneling and putting up walls and I sat on a stool beside him watching his every move and making conversation. In the background my ipod was quietly playing the worship music I had downloaded only days before. As I sat there conversing with him about our camper and all the work that still lay ahead, the music in the background lingered in the air. The endless chatter slowly dwindled as the lyrics to the song rose to the fore front and embraced my heart.
Ever so softly, I heard the words to one of my favorite songs,
“You're shattered, like you've never been before. The life you knew, in a thousand pieces on the floor. And words fall short in times like these, when this world drives you to your knees. You think you're never gonna get back, to the you that used to be.”
As the song continued to play, my eyes welled up with tears. It was as if the author of that song had seen my life and wrote it just for me. As I continued to listen my mind began to drift to the “me that use to be”. The “me” before my life was shattered and all the pieces lay in disarray on the floor, before the pain, the scars, the fears, that now engulf me like a shadow that never fades. I thought back to the days of freedom, life, strength, boldness and courage that surpassed all understanding. To the days so full of love and compassion that it drove me to do things that many never understood. To the days of wrapping my arms around wounded and broken children; to the days of driving miles just to bring comforting words to the hopeless on the streets; to the days of opening my home to those in need of rest, my heart to those In need of love and my life to those in need of family. The “me” that fought battles, on my knees, so great, they left me lying at my father’s feet in need of comfort and reassurance. The “me” that never gave up, that believed God could change any situation and anyone!
The lyrics to the song continued,
“Tell your heart to beat again. Close your eyes and breathe it in. Let the shadows fall away. Step into the light of grace. Yesterday's a closing door. You don't live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you've been. And tell your heart to beat again.”
As the lyrics filled the whole atmosphere in that little camper I hung onto every word. It was as if Jesus himself was wrapping his every loving arms around me and saying “its ok my child, it’s time to live, tell your heart to beat again.” I sat there in silence, never saying a word, but on the inside, my heart was weeping from years of grief and pain.
If you had told me 9 years ago that this song would have so much meaning in my life I never would have believed you, but here I am, after years of strength that was way beyond my years, I sit broken and dismayed. My armor is badly damaged and my heart just barely beats, but somewhere deep inside of me this little nudging won’t give up. I continually hear these words “get up; tell your heart to beat again.” Do I listen to those words every day? I would love to say yes, but truthfully, no. I don’t know how. The pain has been here so long, I don’t know how to live without it. I have forgotten how to laugh, how to have faith without fear, how to love unconditionally, but most importantly how lay at my father’s feet. But I will never give up! I will keep living every day and taking one step at time towards healing. With the help of an amazing, loving God, my family and all of you here on Common Connection I will prevail and someday I will truly live again!!